Glenda Quagmire
by Tito-Mosquito
Summary: What if Glenn Quagmire was born a woman, and is bisexual but mostly lesbian? One-Shots. Expect some femslash.
1. Death Has a Shadow

This will be a collection of one-shots that focus on Glenda Quagmire. There'll be some original stories. This is inspired by "Valentine's Day in Quahog", where everyone sees Quagmire as a woman named Glenda _Vajmire_. But I stuck with his original surname since "Vajmire" sounds too made-up.

I thought it'd be amusingly interesting if Quagmire as a woman hangs with Peter, Cleveland and Joe. It would make for a more interestingly diverse group of friends: a stupid Irish-American fat guy, a black guy, a sex-crazed bisexual white woman, and a paraplegic semi-retired white cop. And how much of an impact she has on the main characters' lives.

I imagine Glenda being voiced by Alex Borstein, who also voices Lois Griffin, but using her natural voice like Nicole, the wife of Ernie the Giant Chicken.

Hope you'll enjoy it. :)

* * *

**Death Has a Shadow**

"Kids, I just don't know if I like the idea of your father going to a stag party tonight." Lois discussed.

"Relax, mom." Meg reassured her mother. "It's just a bunch of guys sitting around with a black marker and a checklist of The Ten Commandments."

"Hehe, 'Thou shall get drunk'. Yeah!" Chris chuckled.

"Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that." Lois told her son.

"Besides, mom. It's not gonna be all guys, Glenda Quagmire will be there too. You know how that lady is like." Meg stated.

"Well that's true, she prefers the company of men more than women." Lois explained, "Plus, she's bisexual who leans more towards lesbian."

**Cutaway Gag #1**

A woman with raven hair, wearing a button-top red shirt, jeans, and black shoes, sitting between three men who are airline pilots, and with two strippers.

"Aren't we all pals? I work at the airport as a stewardess! This is empowering! Maybe _I'll_ get a dance, huh? You guys are probalby gonna be talking about this forever! A woman who's so cool with this!"

Another stripper comes up and starts giving Glenda a lapdance.

"Allriiiiiiight! Jackpot!" Glenda exclaimed as she grabs the stripper's shaking hips. "Giggity!"

**End**

"Mom, can I turn the heat up?" Meg then asked, "It's kind of cold in here."

"Oh, don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset." Lois said.

"Come on, this thing does up to 90." Meg replied. She barely turned the dial when Peter bursts into the room.

"Who touched the thermostat?" Peter said.

"God, how does he always know?" Meg questioned.

"Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the children are messin' with the dial." Peter told her daughter.

Right after he said that, a man immediately came in from the back door. "Hey, Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?"

"Yeah, it's alright." Peter said to the man.

"Hey, is my kid over here?" said a black man who then entered the scene.

"Forget it! False alarm!" The first man said. Then another possible father came up from behind the other two dads.

"Whoa, ass ahoy." Brian said whilst entering the room, then asked "Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?"

"He's going to a stag party." Lois answered Brian's question with her arms crossed.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you had plans." Brian said remembering Peter's plans for tonight. "Say, when are you leaving for the party, Peter?"

"Eh, in about 15 minutes." Peter told Brian before turning to Lois as he then tried to convince her about letting him go. "And Lois, before you say anything, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house and as a man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party." Peter demanded.

"Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always lead to trouble." Lois said to Peter, hoping he would take it seriously.

"Come on, you're worrying about nothing." Peter told her, trying to get her to relax. "And besides, alcohol doesn't affect me."

"Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church?" Lois asked Peter, reminding him that this sort of thing had happened before.

**Cutaway Gag #2**

At a church, a pastor was giving a sermon to everyone. "And so The Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body." The pastor said.

"Oh geez" God, who sitting down, cringed as listening to the pastor. "I _hate_ it when he tells this story."

The pastor continued his sermon. "Yet miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity." While the pastor was talking, Peter was taking a rather big sip from the Communion cup he was allowed to drink, then he coughed.

"Whoa, is that really the blood of Christ?" Peter asked the pastor, now intoxicated.

The pastor answered, "Yes."

"Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?" Peter drunkenly remarked.

**End**

Lois continued her point. "And then there was that time at the ice cream store."

**Cutaway Gag #3**

The Griffins were inside an ice cream parlor, each family member, except Lois, who was holding Stewie, and Brian have their own scoop of ice cream.

"Aw, Butter Rum's my favorite." Peter exclaimed at his ice cream. As he takes a single lick, he passes out on a nearby table.

**End**

Brian emerges from underneath the table and furthers Lois's example. "And remember you had Irish coffee the day we went to see _Philadelphia_?"

**Cutaway Gag #4**

The Griffins were at a movie theater crying like the other moviegoers, whilst Peter seemingly observing something about the movie they were watching. He then realized the subject as he claps his hands together and says "I got it. That's the guy from _Big_. Tom Hanks, that's it." Meg and Lois turned their heads towards Peter in slight annoyance. "Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch." Peter continued.

Then on the screen, it showed the said actor saying "I have AIDS." Peter then bursted out laughing at what he said, believing it to be a joke. His daughter, Meg, however, gave him a very mad look on her face.

**End**

"Promise me, Peter." Lois said in irritants, hoping he would.

"Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight." Peter proclaimed.

Immediately, at the stag party, the woman Glenda Quagmire said "Hey! Who wants to play 'Drink the Beer'?"

"Right here." Peter said. He chugged the beer."

"Heh, you win!" Glenda said.

"Alright! What do I win?" Peter asked.

"Another beer!" Glenda said, handing another can to Peter.

"Oh, I'm going for the high score!" Peter excitedly claimed.

"Well, actually, Charlie's got the high score." Glenda said, pointing to a man urinating in a grandfather clock. "Hey man, your clock won't flush." said Charlie.

Soon then, Peter began to feel guilty about breaking his promise to Lois, which he then told the gang. "You know, I feel kind of bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink."

"Aw, don't feel bad, Peter." Glenda consoles Peter.

"Huh, gee. I never really thought of it that way."

"Hey! Did you bring the porno?" A man to Peter's right said.

"Did I bring the porno, eh?" Peter replied, holding up a video cassette entitled _Assablanca_ on the front. "You're gonna love it. It's a classic."

The guys, and Glenda, were watching the movie on a couch. The movie they were watching was an erotic version of the classic film _Casablanca_.

"Listen, Ilsa. If I tske this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not today. But soon, for the rest of your life." The man in a trenchcoat said to Ilsa.

"Oh, come on, Ilsa! Get on!" Peter told the fictional character, desperate to see some action.

Back to the movie, Ilsa then took off her robe, revealing herself in her underwear. Just as she was about to remove her bra, static cuts the scene to a picture of the Statue of Liberty. "The statue was originally a gift from France." said the announcer, as it was a documentary.

"What is this?" Charlie demanded.

"Aw, man. My kid must've taped over this for history class." Peter replied in realization.

Glenda and almost all the guys there groaned in disappointment. "Aw, the Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?" One of them asked.

"Guys, guys, we're gonna drink till she's hot." Peter suggested.

"Eh, that's just crazy enough to work!" Glenda immediately agreed with.

Soon, they were all busy slurping and consuming much alcohol in order to satisfy their specific needs.

* * *

The first cutaway gag is based on a scene from the episode "Business Guy", used mostly to show what Glenda Quagmire is like.


	2. I Never Met the Dead Man

**I Never Met the Dead Man**

Still no TV, Peter is beginning to feel anxious. He starts wearing a harness that holds a cardboard TV he cut out. Peter left the house after finding Brian and a very concerned Lois boring, and is strolling the neighborhood. He turns to Glenda Quagmire leaving her house in a female flight attendant uniform.

"Hey, it's Glenda Quagmire, the lovely next-door neighbor." Peter stated as Glenda soon noticed him awkwardly, then grabbing the handle of her bag. "What's she up to this time?"

"I'm going to work. See ya later." Glenda responded to Peter's remark as she left. Not to mention being a little weirded out.

"Hehehehe, desperately trying to snag herself a rich husband. That's so like her." Peter remarked, and continued his way to find some interesting shows.

Glenda arrived at the Quahog Airport. She got onto her assigned plane where she serves food and drinks or whatever the passengers needs. On occasion, she flirts with a few of the passengers. Giving them winks. Speak in a sensual husky voice. Saying pet names like "honey", "sweetie", "sugar", and "baby". Showing off her strut as she sway her hips. More often than not, the passengers she's sweet on are women, even if they're married. Several times she had sex with women in the restroom. A couple times with a man. As a result, the airport get several complaints about her behavior. But she never got fired, due to Glenda being very persuasive with her superiors.

She's also a very skilled pilot herself. She has her pilot license, and originally wanted to fly one of the airplanes. But of course, not many airports would hire women as pilots. Glenda doesn't mind too much, since she very much enjoy playing the sexy stewardess. But in case the pilots are incapacitated, it would be all up to her to fly.

* * *

Sorry for the short chapter. This is just to show that her job is different from her male counterpart, since you don't really see any women pilots working at airports in real-life, do ya? Plus, Quagmire only appeared briefly in the episode.


	3. Mind Over Murder

**Mind Over Murder**

At a lake, Peter was fishing with his friends Cleveland and Glenda. While Peter and Cleveland are the ones fishing and Brian drinking a beer, Glenda is laying on the boat with her feet hanging out. She's in a red tank top and wearing daisy dukes, sunglasses, and a hat, has a sun reflector, and her feet are bare with her toenails painted red.

"Oh, man. This is the life." Peter proclaimed, "Hey, hand me one of them Pawtucker Patriots."

Brian hands him a can.

"Guys, guys." Peter said, "I-I want to say a toast to you, Glenda, Cleveland..." He stopped after getting to Brian.

"Brian." Brian reminded Peter.

"Yeah, yeah." Peter hesitated. "If-if you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you. Especially you Glenda." Peter said as he checks her out from the legs up, and then crushed the can. "And I-I wish you were 'cause we're all out."

They all laugh, except Brian, at Peter's joke.

"Oh, that's funny." The smooth-talking Cleveland complimented on Peter's comment, "That's even more hilarious than that joke last night."

**Cutaway Gag #1**

Peter, Brian, Glenda and Cleveland were at a bar, sitting at a table.

"Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right?" Peter says telling the joke, "Oh-Oh, wait a second."

Peter then looked to his left to make sure. He found a bunch of Jewish men. Then, he looked to his right and found a bunch of Chinese men.

"Okay, Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar." Peter said going back to the first part of his joke acting as if in the clear, "And there's this naked priest sitting there. And he..." Peter's attention was cut short when he noticed something in front of him, "Oh, sorry, Father."

The others turned to look at who it was. Out of nowhere, they find a naked priest sitting right where Peter was looking.

"No, I've heard 'em all." The priest shrugged it off, almost seemingly flattered.

**End**

"Oh, look at the time." Cleveland said as he looked down at his watch, "I promised Loretta I was gonna trim the hedges and be tender with her."

"Believe me, Cleveland. O-Our wives need some time off as much as we do." Peter proclaimed, "This is when Lois does all those little things that women like to do."

"Are you sure about that, Peter?" Glenda asked Peter a bit unconvinced, rolling her eyes behind her shades.

* * *

Later in the day after coming home from the lake, Peter drives to a soccer game to dropped Chris off which Lois asked him to.

"Thanks for the ride, dad." Chris said to Peter as he got out.

"Alright." Peter responded, "Have fun, Chris."

"Hey, guys." A familiar female voice called out to the two. They looked and saw that it was Glenda, still in her tank top and daisy dukes, and wearing flip-flops this time.

"Glenda, what are you doing here?" Peter said to Glenda.

"Oh, you know, soccer moms." Glenda said and pointed to a few soccer moms next to her, "Heh. Heh. Alright."

"Well, I'd like to hang around." Peter informed Glenda, "But Lois needs me at home."

"I got beer." Glenda tempted Peter as she pulled out a beer from a red cooler. Peter gives a wide-eyed look.

"Boo, Lois!" Peter shouted swining his shirt around him, "Yay, beer!"

Eventually, Peter sobers up as the person sitting next to him starts insulting Chris. That person pushed Peter further after smacking the beer can off his hand, leading Peter to punch the heckler right in the face.

Glenda was shocked at Peter for punching the woman, and finds out that he didn't even know.

"Call an ambulance." A woman suddenly appared next to Peter, "She's going into labor."

"Y-you mean, '_He's_ going into labor.'" Peter tried to correct the woman calmly, but was now worried.

Then a baby is heard crying.

"Whoops." Peter acknowledged.

Even though Glenda vouched for Peter that he didn't even know the person was even a woman and that she struck first, Peter still got in trouble.

* * *

Later, Peter was back at the house with Glenda, Cleveland and Brian in the padio.

"I can't believe I punched a woman." Peter remarked about the incident.

"A pregnant woman." Brian added.

"I just hope she accepts my peace offering." Peter exclaimed, "I send her a little something for the baby."

"What did you give her?" Glenda asked Peter.

**Cutaway Gag #2**

At the hospital, the woman Peter punched is sitting up in a bed with her newborn baby next to her. She opens Peter's gift and reveals itself to be a jack-in-the-box. The woman then cranks the handle, where the Jack pops out and knocks her out.

**End**

"Eh, of course, I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest." Peter acknowledged.

"Oh, you're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter." Cleveland said.

"Yeah, no kidding. It could have been a lot worse if the cops knew about those other times I broke the law." Peter remarked.

"Like what?" Glenda asked.

"Well, I was almost caught loitering." Peter said.

**Cutaway Gag #3**

Peter is standing around a sidewalk whilst swishing his eyes back and forth suspiciously with a wall behind that had a sign reading, "No Loitering."

**End**

"And there was that time I took a whiz in public." Peter said.

**Cutaway Gag #4**

Peter was doing exactly as he was in the previous cutaway, standing around. Only he was possibly (read: very likely) peeing in a public pool.

**End**

"And that time I snuck into Wimbledon." Peter added again.

**Cutaway Gag #5**

Peter, again, was doing the exact same thing, except now he was just watching the players hitting the ball back and forth.

**End**

"Heh. Well, me and Cleveland are gonna 'amscray'." Glenda informed Peter.

"W-W-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone." Peter said.

"Why don't you come with us?" Cleveland suggested.

"Aw, I can't leave the premises." Peter explained to them as he puts down his beer, lifted up his right lega and pulled the pant sleeve away to show the bracelet, "They're monitoring my every move."

* * *

Cleveland and Glenda were at the local pool. Glenda is in a red bikini.

They decided to try what Peter did. Then some bubbles came to the surface, Cleveland noticed they came from the front of Glenda.

"Oh, that's nasty." Cleveland acknowledged to the still-smiling Glenda.

* * *

That night, Peter built his own bar in his basement, which he christened _Ye Old Pube_, so his friends can come over so he won't be so bored. At the suggestion of a spectral image of the Pawtucker Patriot, whom Peter insistingly assume was gay. Unfortunately for Lois, he missed their dinner date.

Soon the bar is filled with men, with Peter serving them drinks. His friend Cleveland and Glenda arrive as well. Glenda decided to put on something nice for the boys, wearing a little red dress and red high-heels.

"Okay, okay, okay, guys. I got another one." Peter told his friends as he was getting ready for another joke, "What's the difference between pornography and art?"

"Here it comes." Glenda chuckled.

"A government grant." Peter finished the joke, making the guys and Glenda laugh.

"Oh, Peter, you are in the zone." Cleveland complimented on Peter's streak.

The basement is packed with more people as Peter continues to serve at the bar and Meg was bringing men their drinks.

Glenda was checking out a blonde woman in a red strapless dress who's sitting near a drunk Stewie drawing something on a napkin. His pencil broke, so the woman, who's name is Misty, hands him a Barney pen.

"Finally there's another woman in the bar." Glenda thought, "I'm so gonna hit that."

Then she noticed Lois enters the basement in a pink bathrobe with a matching pink towel wrapped around her head and came down the stairs.

"Well, well, what do we have here." Glenda thought. "I hope she's naked under that robe."

Lois finds Chris at the step.

"Chris, what are you doing here?" Lois asked Chris.

"Sorry, mom." Chris said to Lois, "I'm gonna need to see some ID."

"Chris, go to your room!" Lois ordered Chris as the latter hung his head in shame and walked up the stairs.

"Hello, mother." A drunken Stewie greeted Lois from behind, "Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo?"

"Oh, my God! My baby is drunk! Lois exclaimed in horror as she picked up Stewie.

"No, I'm not!" Peter said from behind before realizing who she was referring to, "Oh, him? Yeah, yeah, he's a real lightweight."

"Meg, take Stewie upstairs." Lois ordered Mega nd handed her Stewie.

"'Show me the way to go home.' Everbody!" Stewie sung intoxicated as Meg was taking him back upstairs, "'I'm tired and I want to go to bed' Just the women!"

"Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married, I have NEVER been as angry as I-" Lois expressed in anger when she noticed her piano by a couple of tables, "What is my piano doing down there?!"

"Well, it was _supposed_ to be a clam cake buffet, but, uh..." Peter was explaining until Lois gave him a stern face, "...Uh, never mind."

"That does it, Peter." Lois said, "Either this bar goes or I do!"

"Aw, Lois, I-I haven't even told you the other reason your piano's down here." Peter lied to keep his bar, "I. I, uh... Wanted you to play it. You know, like it was an instrument."

He looked at her and she was still very upset.

"I'm telling you the truth." Peter said, "Right, guys?"

Everyone in the bar agreed.

"Come on!" One of the men got up and said.

"Oh, no, no, I couldn't." Lois said flattered soon after.

"Come on!" Another man insisted.

"Well... maybe one song." Lois agreed.

"Pretend you like it no matter how bad it stinks." Peter warned them.

Lois gave a chuckle and went to the piano and began playing it, then starts singing.

_You'll never know_

_Just how much I love you_

Lois then got up and left the piano playing to a nearby man in a white tuxedo.

_You'll never know_

_Just how much I care_

Lois then removed the towl that was on her head, revealing her still wet hair as she swished it around a couple of times. This started to get the guys and Glenda's attention, though a jealous Misty gives Lois with a dirty look.

_And if I try_

_I still couldn't hide my love for you_

Lois now unstrapped the belt of her robe, then dropped her robe to the floor, revealing her nightgown.

_You oughta know for ha..._

"Uh. O-Okay, guys. T-Thank you." Peter nervously said during the song trying to get their attention off Lois, "You can stop pretending now."

_If there is some other way_

_To prove that I love you_

_I swear I don't know_

Lois then laid on her stomach in a very sexy pose.

Peter then backs up towards the bar, where Brian was sitting at.

"Something troubling you, Peter?" Brian asked Peter.

"Oh, no. Nothing." Peter answered sarcastically, "Just all my friends are eye-pumping my wife."

_You'll never know_

_If you don't know now_

All the men and Glenda cheered and gave a big round of applause when she finished. Peter, however, was not so alright about it.

* * *

_Gimme, gimme, gimme_

_Ya know what I cry for_

Peter was at the bar, forced to watch his own wife being admired by other men and Glenda. Despite hoping otherwise, everyone returned the next night to watch Lois sing as the bar's own swooner.

_You know you got the brand of kisses_

_That I die for!_

"Oh, this takes me back." Cleveland said nostalgically.

"Now that's a chick!" Glenda exclaimed at Lois, but was really doing a guessing game with a doctor showing her random images. "That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee!"

_You know you made me love you_

"I love you." Lois said and blew a kiss to her admirers, who gave applause, "Thank you. Thank you. Johnny Muldoon, ladies and gentlmen."

Muldoon takes a bow as Lois was taking a sip of water.

"You know, I was born in a little town called Quahog-" Lois said, but was soon interrupted by one of her fans.

"We love you, Lois!" The fan shouted.

Lois gives a light laugh, "Let me finish the story, fellas. You don't want to be up all night... Or do you?"

"Damn right I do, baby." Glenda muttered, as she bites her bottom lip. She starts putting her hands between her legs to rub them together.

"What now?" Cleveland asked, didn't quite hear what she said as he was paying attention to Lois.

"Nothing!" Glenda answered.

* * *

The next night, the basement was packed again with people, mostly of Lois' admirers. Glenda of course returns to see more of Lois, who then performs a song dedicated to Peter. As a fellow woman, Glenda can tell that Lois is upset with Peter about something. Even so, Glenda is loving Lois' sudden fiery passion.

_Don't tell me not to fly_

_I simply gotta_

_If someone takes a spill_

_It's me and not you_

_Don't bring around a cloud_

_To rain on my parade_

After the song, Lois shows everyone a piece of paper that has flown to her feet. It's a drawing of a time machine made by her son Stewie, who for some reason was angry that everyone saw it that he scurried off.

"Bye-bye, Stewie." Lois greeted Stewie, "Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night."

"BURN IN HELL!" Stewie sweared at her as he scurried up the stairs.

"Hell?" Lois said to herself, "Hell has fire. But do you know what else?"

She then tore off her dress to reveal a blue top and red short shorts. Glenda is checking out Lois' smooth legs, as Lois starts singing.

_It's got fsssss steam heat_

_I got fsssss steam heat_

_I got fsssss steam heat_

_But I need your love to keep away the cool_

_I got-_

"Alright, break it up!" The soccer mom from Chris' game announced as she and the wives suddenly arrived.

"What's going on here?" Lois asked.

"Your little peep show is over!" The soccer mom told her, as she and the other wives walked up on stage to confront Lois, "We're taking back our men!"

"Peep show?" Lois exclaimed in confusion looking down at her outfit, "I just do this for fun. Look, all day long I scrub and cook and take care of my kids and nobody cheers. No one even says thank you. But when the band starts playing and the music's flowing through me, I feel, I don't know, special. I guess you all think that's pretty silly."

"Not at all." The soccer mom responded, shedding a tear.

"You didn't tell us that part!" An orange shirt-wearing woman said, pointing at Peter.

Peter then steps back, hoping to get away.

"Peter!" Lois said, "You're behind all this?"

"Yes and you'll never catch me!" Peter announced, then laughed maniacally as he turned a secret lever activating a turning bookcase, only it went the wrong way and trapped Peter between the wall repeatingly.

"I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me aorund the house." Lois informed the other wives, "or takes me out to dinner. Or notices when I get my hair done."

The wives agreed with her, including the soccer mom. "My husband's the same way." She said putting her arm on Lois' shoulder.

"So's mine." The wife in the orange shirt replied.

The bar is now filled with both men and their wives. Glenda, however, was leaning on the wall smoking and starting to get bored.

"This place is full of dead pigions." Glenda remarked as she inhales her cigarete, "Hell with this, I'm gonna go grab some ozone." She then flicked her still-lit cigarette into a nearby trashcan and then set the flammable trash inside on fire. Glenda then zooms in close and realizes what she's done, "Uh, hey, hey, Peter! There's a king in the cards!"

Peter was trying to counsel Lois while Glenda tries to put out the fire in the crash can, but everytime she did, the flames only got bigger.

"Run for your lives!" Glenda warned everyone as she then gave up and ran out of the bar. Everyone else followed.

However, Glenda quickly hid by the side of the basement door and randomly grabs a man to make out with, as near-death gave her a such a rush. Unfortunately for her, the man she grabbed was the soccer mom's husband.

"What the hell! You little slut!" she grabbed Glenda by her dress strap and is about to punch her pretty face.

"Shit." Glenda gulped.

Fortunately for Glenda, and Peter and Lois who were trapped in the fire, the last couple of days were soon undone by Stewie's time machine being destroyed by Peter before he could take Chris to the game.

"Ow, my foot! I can't walk!" Peter lied, pretending to be hurt as an excuse to avoid Lois' favor, "I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself, hehehehehe."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

I assume in that episode that Peter was the only person in town who didn't know the person he punched was a woman. Hence why I wrote that Glenda knew.

The cutaway gag with Cleveland and Glenda also has a reference to a scene from the episode "Extra Large Medium".

The next chapter will be an original story.


	4. Shower Sex

Here's the original story I promised you readers. Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

**Shower Sex**

It's almost afternoon, and Lois decides to take a shower. It's just her alone in the house since Peter is at work, Meg and Chris are at school, Stewie is at preschool, and Brian is out looking for a woman to impress again. She heads to the bathroom in hers and Peter's bedroom. After she closed the door, she turned on the water to hot and started stripping off her clothes. She steps into the tub, feeling the warm water on her feet. She starts rinsing her hair, then all over her body. She started rubbing her breasts, which feels so good. Then, daringly, she started rubbing between her legs. "Oh god, this feels so good." she thought. She's steadily rubs her clit. She begins to moan out loud sensually, since no one's home.

Still rubbing to reach an orgasm, she didn't hear the door open and close. Someone did hear her moans. This person is turned on seeing Lois' silhouette of her curvaceous body shape through the shower curtains. They remove their clothing as well. They gingerly put their feet into the tub as well and stood behind Lois.

Lois finally had her orgasm as her vagina was dripping cum. She's breathing heavily, the shower is washing off her sweat. Her mind was still hazed from that orgasm. She didn't even notice soft hands caressing her wet breasts. "Oh yeah, that's really hot, baby." a husky female voice whispered into her ear. "What were you thinking a moment ago? It's other women, isn't it?"

This woke Lois up from her bliss. "GLENDA, WHAT THE HELL?" She pushed Glenda out of the shower, making her trip. Glenda grabs the curtains to try to break her fall, but she ends up ripping them off the rod. Glenda lay on the floor with the curtains nearly wrapped around her nude form. Lois turns off the shower and grabs her towel to cover herself in modesty as she steps out dripping wet.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Lois demanded a second time.  
"Just having a little fun, sweet thing." Glenda said playfully, "Besides, it looked like you could use some relief. So what were you thinking, sugar? Were you thinking of women?"  
"It-it's none of your business!" Lois retorted, her face growing red.  
"Oh come on, honey, it's just us two women here. Sisterhood and all that." Glenda said with a wink as she wrapped an arm over Lois' shoulders.  
"Well, maybe I was thinking of women." Lois admitted.  
"Oh do tell!"  
"But not intentionally, they were just stray thoughts. Of course I used to date women myself back in the day before I met Petah. But I'm a married woman now and all that's behind-"  
Lois didn't finish her sentence as Glenda spontaneously pounced at her. Shoving her mouth into Lois', smothering her tongue inside it. Groping at her breasts. Rubbing her knee in Lois' wet cunt. Glenda moans with satisfaction while Lois tries to scream in protest.

* * *

Glenda was thrown out of the Griffin household, still nude except for the shower curtains.  
"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!" screamed an infuriating Lois, as she stands at the door still in her towel and dripping wet. "If you ever touch me like that again, I will call the police! Do ya hear?"  
As she got up, Glenda notices a few people, including Cleveland, outside taking noticed at the commotion. A smirking Glenda decides to give them a show.  
"Well excuse _me_, sweetheart, but ten you shouldn't have asked me to have sex with you!"  
"What?" Lois distraught by what Glenda just said.  
"Oh come on, sugar, I know you've been pining for me. That's all you ever talked to me about." Glenda stated with faux concern.  
"Wh-no! I didn't-" Lois tried to deny that statement, but Glenda cut her off.  
"In fact, you masturbate to every women you've met. You just can't keep that libido of yours under control, can you?"  
"Stop it, I don't have any feelings for you! I'm not-" a humiliated Lois noticed the onlookers behind Glenda. Some of the men were gawking at Lois. The women glare at Lois and shaking their heads, judging her. "WHAT ARE YOU ALL STARING AT? I'm not aa lesbian! I'm not!"  
"Pay no attention to her, everyone. She's just having a hard time coming to terms with her own sexuality."  
"Fuck you!" Lois shouts as she slammed the door.  
"I sure hope so, sugar!" Glenda quipped, then she looks at the leering crowd, "She wants me."

Glenda walked back to her house, swaying her hips along the way for the amusing crowd. She dressed back into her clothes while changing her panties. She usually doesn't wear a bra under her shirt. She looks out her window, watching Lois through hers with her binoculars. Lois dried herself up and is changing into her regular clothes. "Allriiiiiiight, baby!"

She sees Lois was noticing that she was looking at her. Lois quickly got to her window in annoyance and closed her drapes. Setting down the binoculars, Glenda's nipples became hard and poke at her shirt, and her panties are soaking wet. She consciously rubs her hand between her legs as she declares, "Someday you will be mine, Lois. Oh yes, I will fuck you up so good."


	5. When Joe met Glenda

Sorry for the long wait.

* * *

**When Joe met Glenda**

Glenda is driving in her 1957 Chevrolet Bel-Air to the supermarket to make something for dinner. But especially to check out some other ladies shopping. She hopes to catch Lois shopping too.

Suddenly she hears a police siren behind her. She looks at her rearview mirror to see a police car is driving close behind her, telling her to pullover.

"Son of a bitch." She muttered in annoyance, parking her car. She looks back to see the officer is a large-chinned, power-chested man. She finds her quite handsome, so she decides to flirt with him a little.

As the officer opens his door, Glenda looks at her mirror to fix her hair and apply lipstick. Cherry red to catch his attention.

"So officer, what seems to be—" she said in a sultry voice, but noticed the cop is facing her on the same level, "the problem?" Glenda looked over to see the cop is in a wheelchair. She then realized that he is Joe Swanson that Peter walked about. She knows that Peter didn't like him at first, for bothering him and his family soon after the Swansons moved into the neighborhood, and for "stealing" Peter's friends and coworkers. But they eventually got along after Joe saved Peter during an armed robbery at the bank.

"You were going too sexy in a 35 zone, toots." Joe flirted. "I'll need to see your driver's license."

Glenda is amused by Joe's attempt to charm her, but she'll play along. She hands him her license.

"Glenda Quagmire." Joe reads out loud. "Well how would you like to spend four hours desperately trying to give me a muscular massage? Ha ha. I'm just having fun."

"Well I could go for some more fun. How about tonight at the Clam?"

"Seriously?' Joe exclaimed, both surprised and eager.

"Yeah! You're a good-looking guy I'd like to get to know you."

"You got it, toots! See ya there at 6:00?"

"It's a date!" Glenda winks.

* * *

Later in the evening, at the Drunken Clam…

Peter and Cleveland are at their usual table waiting for both Glenda and Joe to arrive.

"What is taking them so long?" Cleveland asked.

"I don't know. We're already on our third drinks." Peter said, having just finished his glass. "Make that four. Another refill!"

As soon as Horace gave him another full glass, Joe finally arrives. Peter and Cleveland couldn't help but notice how fancy he's dressed. He's wearing a nice light brown suit and his hair is combed back. He's also holding some flowers and a box of chocolates.

"Hey Joe! Nice of you to come at last!" Cleveland greeted.

"But what's with the get up? We're only having some drinks." Peter asked.

"I'm about to have a nice little date with this sexy lady I pulled over this afternoon."

"Oh ho ho! Ladies' Mann aren't ya, Joe? How I envy you."

"Wait a minute, aren't you married, Joe?"

"Well yes, but in all honesty, I felt our marriage has been going down the hills since my fateful accident. I like to shake things up a bit, you know."

"I know what you mean. Loretta has been getting testy lately. It's like I'm not satisfying enough for her anymore." Cleveland muttered.

"So, who is this woman you're meeting anyway?" Peter asked Joe, wanting to change the awkward subject.

"Oh you'll see, all I can say is she is gorgeous, has a nice rack, curly dark hair, and get this, she actually swings both ways. But once I'm through with her, she'll stay on this team, I'm sure." Joe said, rather assuringly.

"Well isn't that a coincidence, our friend we're expecting is pretty much the same way. Although she likes doing it with women more than men."

"Then she tell her my girl is already spoken for."

"Where is she anyway?" Cleveland wonders out loud, getting anxious as she finished his fourth beer already. As if on cue, Glenda has shown up. She's wearing a strapless short purple dress that reach mid-thighs and white platform pumps. Peter and Cleveland were glad to see she's finally here, and enjoyed seeing her dressed up. Though they don't know why since they were only having some drinks as usual, until, to their shock, Joe rolls up to her, giving her flowers and the chocolates and finally a hug and kiss.

"Hey guys, I like you to meet—" Joe was introducing her to his friends until Peter interrupted.

"Glenda?! You're dating Joe?"

"You two know each other?" Joe asked in confusion.

"Yeah, she's the friend we mentioned. We even told her about you."

"What, then why did you say yes if you know I was married?!"

"I always have sex with married people. Every divorce that happens here in Quahog is usually because of me. And sometimes I'm also the reason I saved a few." Glenda answered, with a hint of pride.

Joe was about to respond when suddenly a hard slamming of the entrance door got everyone's attention. An angry dark-haired pregnant woman in a purple dress marches inside. "Joe Swanson! What the hell's going on?!"

"Bonnie, I can explain!" Joe said.

"Oh I know exactly what's going on! This tramp was trying to seduce you!" Bonnie yelled, pointing at Glenda.

"Well sweetie, I don't see how it's against the law to get another man's attention. Even if he's married." Glenda said in a bold tone.

"Oh slap!" Peter chuckled.

"You whore!" Bonnie slapped Glenda, who gives her a condensed look while rubbing her right cheek.

"You asked for it, bitch, and I don't even care if you're pregnant." Glenda said, as she jumped on top of her and punching her in the face while grabbing her by the hair. Bonnie kicked Glenda right in the face, causing her to stagger back, allowing Bonnie to ram her to the floor. Now the patrons surround the tangling mess of scratching, hair pulling and clothes ripping that is Glenda and Bonnie.

"YEAH, LOSE YOUR THIGHS, BONNIE!" Joe cheered for his wife. He's enjoying how Bonnie got Glenda on a headlock with her thighs, making Glenda struggle to pry them open.

"My money's on the pregnant dame." Peter tells Cleveland.

"You're on!" Cleveland concurred.

* * *

The start of this chapter was based on the scene in "Valentine's Day in Quahog", the episode that featured Quagmire as a woman.


End file.
